The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I need a beard to bite.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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