EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
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There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
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You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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