I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
