theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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