the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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