Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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