i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
