how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
