I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
