I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
