I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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