Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
