Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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