when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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