i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
