it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
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Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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