Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
