take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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