ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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