I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
