I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
