i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
