i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
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that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i am craving dick and cupcakes
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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