my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
