Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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