I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
