Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
