were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
