There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
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I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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