i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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