At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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