In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
