Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We are all done wearing pants today
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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