I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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