He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
