Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
