i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
