it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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