so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
