it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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