I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
