So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
