You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
