Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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