my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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