The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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