I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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