The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
