Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i believe in u and ur pee
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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