He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
