I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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