I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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