It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
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I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
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She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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