These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
