my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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